Today is the one year anniversary of when we said goodbye to my dad. He passed away on Saturday February 7th, 2015 at 10:10am from complications from dementia. His funeral was a year ago today. I know I've been wanting to write about this, but I am not sure where to start. I miss him so much. I've missed him for a very long time... even before his body failed him. You see, my dad had dementia and over the last couple years it had really started taking it's toll on him. He was becoming less and less verbal and then when he broke his hip, he became less mobile... and then he would hardly eat or drink. The worst was when I started seeing his beautiful blue eyes begin fading to a grayish color and he would look right through you at times. He went to the hospital in August of 2014 to help heal the bedsores he had while in the rehabilitation center. When he aspirated while eating they had to put him on a ventilator immediately and he then developed pneumonia. That was the beginning of the end. Seeing him in the hospital like that was the hardest thing. He developed numerous infections and it seemed like he was always being treated for something new. There was a period when he was on the upswing and his infections were gone, but they were just trying to wean him from the ventilator. He was transferred back to Kindred Hospital when he got yet another infection, then another, and then he had an infection in his sputum that was drug resistant. I was terrified since he'd been on so many antibiotics already. I remember the last time I saw him. It was the Wednesday before he passed. He looked more peaceful. He did not respond to any of my gestures of hand holding or touching his face. It was very hard to leave that day since I didn't know how much time he had left. Then, 3 days later his heart stopped and they could not bring him back.
Maybe this is all too much to write about in my family blog. Maybe I'll come back and read this and decide to delete this post. But right now, I'm still angry and I want to make sure that I won't forget all these details. I want to read this post and remember. Is that wrong? I don't know. As hard as it was to see my dad in those conditions, I always thought throughout the whole thing, "at least he is here. At least I can go see him, and hold his hand, and tell him I love him." I got to read to him, tell him jokes and stories about the kids. None of which he really responded much to, but I could imagine his reaction and I'd tell him that too.
My dad was a good man. He was gentle, kind, and silly. He loved to learn and read. He would read dictionaries just so he could expand his vocabulary. We'd just laugh when he came up with some big word we'd never heard before. He had the best sense of humor and he loved to laugh. Losing a parent has created a hole in my heart that cannot be filled, which is why there is not a day goes by that I do not think of him. I know he is with me, I can feel it and that brings me so much comfort. I just wish for one moment I could hug him and he could hug me back.
As angry as I am that he was taken from us too soon, and that my kids will never get to know how great he was, I do not dwell on that. I'm hurting right now because it is the anniversary, but that dementia / Alzheimer's is not what defines him. When I think back on memories with him, it rarely includes his last 8 months... even the last couple years. I remember things we did when I was a growing up... how he used to take us to Dunkin Donuts or would come over Sunday mornings with a dozen donuts and we'd watch Looney Toons. I remember how we would shoot hoops or play catch with a ball and glove. We would love to sit outside in the yard on those beautiful NY days and just enjoy the sounds of summer. I remember my wedding day and how happy he was. Our special father/daughter dance means more to me now than I ever realized it would. I miss him, I will always miss him, but I find peace in knowing he is no longer suffering and is safe in God's hands.
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